Thursday, March 23, 2017

Different shmifferent

For all the people who have had everything handed to them and never had a bigger problem than acne, you may exit now.

From the moment my world fell apart when my dad left, I have not been the same. 

Growing up, my parents were more strict than other parents. I was judged and looked down on by my 'friends' because I wasn't allowed to spend the night, date, or wear the fashionable mini skirts.
After my dad left, I was judged because they looked at me like I was something worth being left behind. 
When I got out on my own and saw that people are shockingly the same in most cases, I was judged for still staying true to who I was and not conforming to everyone around me. 

After my church split, my friends stuck together, without me. Mainly because my family was part of the problem, no further detail. Not because of me, or anything I did or said, or who I was, but I guess that is what it always was....I hadn't done anything wrong, or been a bad person, I just wasn't baggage free. 

When you are a real person with real problems and you are actually honest about your issues, people lose their mind and turn away because you're not easy. 

LITTLE TIP. If being your friend isn't easy, most people won't stick around. It's not you! It's their fault for not pulling you out when you were drowning. **We can learn to swim on our own and that's okay.**

I would be lying if I said I was okay with it. I'm not...I cry and hurt and feel everything just as deeply as anyone else. When people give up on me, I believe I'm worth giving up on. When people leave, I feel as though I wasn't worth staying for. Cut me, I bleed. 
This did make me more compassionate and more transparent though. It made me want to be the kind of friend I wish I'd had. 

I have always been really good at putting on my best face and trying to make other people feel accepted even though I don't. Which brings me to my next confession. Depression and anxiety are real problems, real problems I have faced and still do. It's not like you wake up everyday and you're feeling a certain way, it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel invincible. Sometimes I feel useless. Abandoned and lost some days. I have looked for my comfort in the fact that God has never left me, and if such a wonderful God couldn't leave me, than I am worth more. But I will admit, that's not always the first thing I feel. 

The reason I am so open here is because I hope that if someone reads this and can connect in some way. They, you, whoever....won't feel alone. It's okay to seek help. It's okay to feel the way you do and not even be able to explain why. We are fragile things, but we are stronger together. 

I remind myself daily that every battle I face is strengthening me for whatever may come next. Exhausting at times? Yes. But it is worth it because we are here for a reason, we may not know yet, but we have a purpose. Trust in Him and believe in YOU.

Need a friend? I got you. 
Wear a crown, be sweet on the inside, stand tall. Basically, be a pineapple!