Monday, December 4, 2017
Monday, July 17, 2017
Our quite human cat seems to love getting into trouble right as baby and I fall asleep or when I'm busy nursing. She finds a way to get to the very top of the kitchen cabinets and kick off the cereals and chips onto the floor. Or knocking over the piled high dishes in the sink. I'm not sure if it's her way of protesting against the new member of the family or trying to entertain herself while her human servants are preoccupied, but either way she always looks quite satisfied with her accomplishments.
When we first adopted Kitty, we had just found out I was pregnant and also just gotten or first apartment together. We picked her because all the other little kitties were bullying her and she was still purring away. I thought, "This has got to be the most pawsitive (I'm sorry) kitty ever, and I really wanted a little more positivity around.
I'm not much of a cat person, I prefer dogs, or so I thought. But this goofy cat wiggled her way into my heart. I really didn't care for her at first. Peeing on the bed, constant meowing, getting into everything, just being consuming.
But I guess she sensed I was needing some extra loving during my pregnancy, because she never failed to make me smile when she snuggled up in the crease of my neck and ever so gently kneeded me. I grew to love her annoying meow and the strange way she soaks her food in her water before she eats it.
After I had the baby, she wasn't very sure of him. She would spaz out when he cried and even slapped him once when I was changing his diaper and he grabbed her tail. But the other morning I left Phoenix in bed so I could get some water. When I came back, I found her curled around him and licking his hand. I think he grew on Kitty, too.
Now she loves snuggling him when he sleeps.
Point of the story being, at first, we might not be so sure of the way things have changed. But if we give it some time, we find that change is what we needed all along. Even if it isn't what you thought you wanted.
Try to bring a little more pawsitivity into the world 😸
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Cheap jewellery can look expensive and that is just how people are too.
My 13 year self- Friends aren't the people you have fun with and who make you laugh. They are the ones who feel your hurt with you. They are the ones who are there in the pit with you, loving you while you're at your most unlovable, and fighting back the demons along with you.
My 14 year self- Everyone has a story, everyone hurts, and everyone is important. Learn from each person you meet, and when the time comes, let them go.
Secrets can't be kept, so don't try. Be openly and fiercely yourself.
You're going to face alot of hard times. Mom and dad are human too and they will make mistakes, love them more.
My 15 year self- Your beauty is not defined by how thin you are. Stop starving yourself, stop hurting yourself, stop hating what you see in the mirror. Gaining weight isn't the end of the world. It's okay to ask for help.
My 16 year self- Dad won't be able to hug and kiss you goodnight anymore. This isn't your fault. You will be okay.
My 18 year self- It is okay that you aren't okay. Right now you want to end it but please don't. Please be brave enough to grow from this.
My 19 year self- Your friends don't understand and they can't. They don't mean to forget you. They are human too. They are dealing with their own problems. Don't hold it against them, love them still.
Don't try to run from your pain by trying to prove that you are worth loving. You have nothing to prove.
My 20 year self- What those men did to you wasn't your fault, it wasn't the clothes you were wearing or something you did. You're still beautiful.
See beyond this moment, everything is about to change.
My 21 year self- Don't be afraid of the blessing growing inside of you. He needs you, and you need him more than you will ever know. God gave him to you knowing you have what it takes. You deserve to be happy.
To my future self.
Remember what you overcame.
Friday, June 23, 2017
It wasn't a troublesome pregnancy, no complications. But I've always had an issue with patience. Not to mention, since the day I found out I was pregnant, I didn't feel quite like myself. Hormones, the mood swings, the body changes, the incredible difficulties I was going through in my personal life, family drama, and the huge strain/tension it put on me and Nathan.
The ups and downs were extreme to say the least. It all it hit me that I was now responsible for this little human that completely depended on me for everything. He was pure, innocent, unknowing. It was terrifying. I can't tell you how many times I broke down in fear of not being good enough for him.
I remember feeling him move and feeling like it wasn't even real. How could I, such a mess, have something so beautiful in me.
At about 8 months, it REALLY set in. I started to become more excited, nervous, anxious, and just a big ball of nerves.
I hit my due date, June 8, still no baby! I was incredibly ready to meet him and I can't explain the feeling! I wanted to run circles and distract myself every possible way, but I couldn't because I was just too excited.
I was literally PRAYING for contractions.
Finally Tuesday morning around 2:45, I started having contractions! I literally jumped out of bed and started timing them. At that point they were about 10-15 minutes apart. I couldn't sleep and was hoping it was going to progress quickly, so I did my hair and makeup and then just sat there praying this was the day. I happened to have a doctors appointment that morning and I kept telling myself, "They are going to keep you and you're going to have a baby today!"
We get to the doctor appointment, all full of excitement and an overdue baby, and the doc tells me I'm only 2 centimeters. My heart DROPPED. I heard it hit the floor.
The rest of the day I just moped around and tried to sleep but couldn't as the contractions were waking me up. That night I went to my moms to watch my little sisters. I started having contractions 3-5 minutes apart at this point but they still weren't painful. With them being so close together we all thought for sure any minute my water was going to break, so my mom decided we should go ahead and head to the hospital.
Once we got to the hospital, got checked in, got my gown on...it seemed like it was really about to happen. My nurse checks me, still only 2 centimeters. I know it wasn't her fault but I could have slapped her. We stayed and walked the halls for about an hour trying to get things going, but still nothing. So, they sent us home.
At this point I was convinced my baby was never coming out. I was going to be one of those believe it or not stories. Ugh.
Didn't sleep at all Tuesday night. Wednesday rolled around and all day I was dancing, bouncing, drinking raspberry tea, EVERYTHING to try to let my body know it's time. The contractions started to get super intense and painful around 4 p.m. I had a little breakdown and just cried because it was all too overwhelming. I told Nathan to come and my mom to come get me and we all headed BACK to the hospital. I was determined NO MATTER WHAT to have my baby! I was going to refuse to leave the hospital if they tried to send me home.
After we arrive, get checked in, my gown on, everything all over again...the nurse checks me and I swear she looked like an angel when she said, "You're 4.5 centimeters!" She told me they were going to keep me and just let it happen. THIS WAS FINALLY IT!
My contractions didn't start getting too painful until around midnight, which, at that point, I was 7 centimeters. Around 2:30-3 a.m. we got everyone except my mom and Nathan to leave (overstimulating with everyone watching you squirm in pain).
4 a.m. my nurse asks if I still want natural or if I want the epidural, I honestly didn't know how to form thoughts at that point, I was so tired. I went ahead and signed for the epidural, just in case.
4:30 a.m. my doctor came in to finish breaking my water (it hadn't completely broken on its own), and not a minute after, THE WORST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT. Satan was trying to drag me to hell. I immediately got on all fours and just tried to go with them, as they got more painful, I couldn't help but cry out. I kept saying, "I can't do this! I need to push!" My body was telling me it was time but they kept telling me don't push! But when the nurse checked me, I was at 10 centimeters. I remember her saying, "Okay, practice pushes." Hell no, I was ready to meet him. I pushed and pushed like the little engine that could!
Most of it is a blur, just crying, sweat, the little moments in between contractions when I looked into Nathans eyes for reassurance that I could do this.
When the doctor came in, that's when I felt my babies head. I could feel him moving! It was the weirdest thing. Little baby wasn't wanting to meet the world yet, so they had to do an episiotomy. I could feel it, but it was nothing compared to everything else, so I just kept pushing. I felt a huge amount of pressure and everyone yelled, "COME ON, THIS IS IT, YOU GOT THIS, PUSH!!!!" Out comes his head! I couldn't see it but I could feel a slight relief until his shoulders. Holy, his shoulders...I think I blacked out for a minute, met Jesus, ate a heaven cookie, and then came back to my body. After his shoulders, easy peasy! I saw the doctor pull him up and IMMEDIATELY was overcome with absolute joy! I just cried! I remember saying, "Oh my God, thank you! My baby! my baby!!!"
I can not describe this feeling. It was the most empowering, beautiful moments of my life. Even the pain, I want to relive it!! It was amazing. And my little baby was so perfect, I couldn't believe he was so perfect and he was all mine! He was extraordinary!
The next thing I remember is them putting me in a wheelchair and taking us to our room. I just looked at him in awe, smelled him, cuddled him, and I haven't stopped since.
I remember saying I didn't want anymore kids while I was pregnant. Let me tell you, I would do that a million times if I had to....just to meet my little baby. EVERY tear, drop of sweat, mood swing, moment I thought I couldn't, every second was worth it times 10!
The fact that it took me 7 hours to finish this goes to show that babies are a LOT of work. Worth it!
I was blessed to have such a beautiful labor and delivery story, I hope all the soon-to-be mommas have one as well! :)
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
I still think that every day! At first, I felt really bad about feeling this way. I didn't feel unprepared as in I didn't want to be a mother, it was more that I didn't feel like I would be good enough for this precious, beautiful baby that I have been blessed with.
Since that moment, everyday since has been a full on sprint to getting myself, and everything else prepared for our little boy.
The changes I have gone through, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and all the other 'ally' stuff, has been demanding and very difficult. I know that it will continue to become even more so, but at this point, all I feel is absolute, pure joy!
When I feel my little bee moving around, I am overwhelmed with peace and excitement at once.
Before pregnancy, my tummy was tight and toned...that is no longer the case. Even with healthy diet and exercise, there's this BUMP! And I LOVE it! I used to hear my friends talk about not wanting kids because it would ruin their bodies. How sad? We refuse joy and life itself for beauty.
To have scars on my body but my bubble of squishy love in my arms, Oh! I am honored!
Body image and beauty is so drilled into our heads and we are polished to think that we are here to look good is such a sad realization of society.
Life is weird to say the very least. 5 years ago, I would have stood before you and told you who I was and it would have been a completely different person than who I am today. I am so thankful for that. I've gotten to grow in ways I never thought I would. I don't have it all together, and if we really look into the company we covet, do any of them have it together? Probably not.
I am just thankful for where I am and all the things I have been blessed with. If we all just take a step back and look at our lives from a more thankful perspective, it's not too shabby :D
Into the journey!
Monday, November 7, 2016
I never really planned to talk about my life or thoughts. Not like anyone would be interested in that anyway, right? I don't remember why I decided to get personal. But I did, and it was the most freeing thing I've done.
If you met me in real life, you would know about my love and passion for words and the simplicity of human life. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a person being completely vulnerable and loving fearlessly. If we could all take our masks off and wear our scars and mistakes plainly, it would be such a different world. Absolutely raw. Naked and stripped of lies and the smiles we hide behind.
I have no doubt that anyone on this planet could make me cry, and it wouldn't even be hard. I have always had a fragile heart. I used to think that was weak. If I hear a song that reminds me of a memory, I lose it!
I will absolutely break down in the middle of Wal-Mart when I see that little girl in the wheelchair handing out flowers. I cried for 3 days after watching Titanic. I'm not ashamed of this anymore.
Why can't I feel everything and let you know I'm feeling it. You know what?!! That's real, raw emotion.
I'm sick and tired of trying to "keep it together". Because, why? I cry because I'm so happy sometimes. I cry because I remember when I caught a snowflake on my tongue one night while having a snowball fight with my brother and I miss the complete peace and bliss of the moment.
If I could beg one thing of the ones I love, it would be to stop hiding your joy, your pain, your flaws, your bare humanity. Show me who you are and I promise to love you endlessly for it!
Be scared! But do it anyway.
And piece by piece, we find our way to utter happiness within the walls of our selves.
Just a thought. *
Friday, May 27, 2016
I have had a total of 3 people tell me I have changed. And naturally I felt...destroyed. "How could I be so different? It's me, I'm not what they want or expect!" "I'm sorry."
Oh my god. I wanted to punch myself in the face, I literally felt so down on myself because these people who hadn't even been there through my hardest and best moments decided that they can tell me who I am.
And realizing that this happens SO OFTEN. Someone makes a judgement about us, and instead of seeing that they are the ones that are wrong, we judge ourselves too and end up apologizing to THEM for who we are. Society has sucked us into this ridiculous self hating cycle.
I then decided to stop apologizing for who I was. Yes yes, if I had done something wrong, obviously, I apologize and fix it best I can. But if it's just simply people being upset because I'm happier than they are, or have something exciting going on and they don't....I will not let them make me feel insignificant because they do. How petty? Really. Find your own happiness, stay the hell away from mine! Thanks.
The natural process of life, is change. We ALL must change or we never grow. I've autocorrected that word 'change' in my head to 'grown' and it's wonderful. Now when someone says I've "Grown", I smile and say thank you. And yes, sometimes in my head am saying "Sorry your life sucks so much and you actually hate yourself." What can I say? I'm human and I have bad thoughts sometimes. Usually though, I really just feel sad for them. I wish more people were happy with themselves. The Creator of the world thought enough of us that on a daily basis we are given chance after chance and choice after choice, and an entire life! And instead of using that to bring about joy, you would prefer to hurt people with your sickening words. It is truly the most cruel and hateful waste of your life.
Please see your own worth and let others be happy. It isn't hard, in fact, you'll notice such a weight lift and then it's not so hard to take a deep breath and see how much you really have been given.
Stop being a victim. Stop being so petty. Stop hurting people with your words. Be kind. Be thankful. Be encouraging. And let yourself love.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Amongst all my other worries, I worry about gas, like, will we just run out of it one day and just have to walk a lot? Or is it an endless supply? I don't know how that works. Like computers...have you ever looked inside of a computer? it's like watching a 3 year old try to eat...really stressful and you eventually have to walk away or you might go insane.
I wonder how many hours of our lives are spent making our beds.
I think if aliens are actually out there, they are probably just watching us and laughing there green butts off at how petty we are. When someone bothers us, we have to write a facebook post about it to let them know we are upset...we don't even know how to have conversations anymore unless we're drunk.
And there is some millionaire out there because he created a pet rock and I can't even remember to set my alarm for work. Why is it so hard to be a living person? Someone needs to create a person charger, like you put little ear plugs in and it charges your brain power and makes you think smarter. That thought was so hard to put together....this is what I mean.
One day we won't even have cars anymore, someone will think up a thing that you just climb into, like a shuttle, and it super speeds you to your destination and updates your facebook and makes an espresso shot all at once. Wait, did I just?...Brb...
And it's scary, hard, painful, exciting, riveting, inspiring...it can give you chills and it can bring you to tears in a second.
My life has changed so drastically that I don't even remember the way I was before. What was I feeling a year ago today? What was the one defining moment that brought me here?
Truthfully, I worry. Change scares the hell out of me and sometimes I'd rather cry than pretend to act like I'm okay with things being different than what I'm used to.
In the past year, I've learned how strong I am though. I've learned that I can take big leaps and do things that I didn't think I was capable of...some good and some bad. I've learned that I have a limit, a breaking point, and sometimes I come to that point and don't even realize it until the tears have rolled down my cheek and onto my pillow.
I think we are afraid to seem vulnerable. I mean, if I met you today and we sat down and had a conversation, I wouldn't tell you these things. I would probably ask you about where you're from and what you do for a living. Instead of asking real questions, like, are you really living at all? But we should be okay with being a little vulnerable. If we would stop hiding ourselves, our true selves, we might find a little comfort in the fact that we are all fighting the same battle. Might even find out we fight well together.
That's the point of this, I guess. This is my open letter to everyone. My thoughts and feelings. And my hope is that maybe someone can read this and relate somehow and know that they are not the only one feeling a little uncertain of their future. Or a little down about the past. Maybe a little tired in the moment...tired of feeling tired. And maybe we are tired because we stay awake because we know that when we wake up, we might be a little different, and life might take a turn, and we might not have any direction for our next step.
I can see myself standing on a mountain, alone, no one around, just myself and the sunrise. Maybe 30 or 40, and I'm looking back on my life and all the changes and everything that I was afraid of...and I smile because...I'm here. I'm in one piece. I'm standing there breathing in my entire life and all the decisions I have made. And I realize, that all along, I was okay.
Just because you don't know what you're going to do, and just because you made a bad decision, or just because you don't feel yourself, or okay right now...you just keep in mind, that you are a tiny little human and the entire world can't really fit on your shoulders anyway. You can let it go. You deserve to be happy.
Let the changes take place, get some sleep and when you wake up...you just might feel a little better, a little stronger, and a little more okay.
Pick up your head and see the sunrise, today just might surprise you.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Too many people hate what they do, and I get it, I mean, you're doing this to get there, right? But my point is, what if there is no there? What if you die tomorrow? I want to be happy every second I can be and make it all count because we don't know when our time will run out(Jack Dawson is my spirit animal).
Waking up early and going for a drive has become something I genuinely love. The cool morning air, the quiet music, the dark sky, street lights. The feeling that nothing has gone wrong yet in that day, still fresh and perfect.
We're all complaining about the things in our life that suck, and I do too. But the problem is, we are usually our problem. If we don't have enough money, it's probably because we're spending on silly things we don't necessarily need; fast food, coffee breaks (understandable, might be a need actually, so scratch that), movies, snacks, the salon, blah blah blah. If we are unhappy in a relationship, why do we accept it? We always forget that we are in total control of it. We can end, or we can choose to give 100% and make it exceptional. We are way too okay with things just being okay. Humans are lazy.
If your feet are cold, put socks on.
We take things too serious. Each other, life in general. Life wasn't meant to be something to frown about. I mean, we're here to live and to love others, to love ourselves, and find pure happiness. We just let all that pass us by while we're busy stressing about the things that, in the end, will be okay. It's always going to be okay. It's like we're addicted to worry. If we don't have somethings to worry about, it makes us worry because there should be something to worry about. WORRY(eat)ting it up. Literally, that donut won't make you feel better, do a sit up.
Speaking of, why do people freak out about working out? Literally a half an hour a day can make us feel incredible and help us enjoy life more but we would rather spend that 30 minutes playing a poker game on the toilet when there isn't even anything happening in the toilet(guilty).
People ask me all the time why I'm so happy. I don't have any other answer other than I just am. I decided to be and made that choice. It's not as hard as it sounds. Sure, things happen, I get sad. But you don't set up a tent and camp there. It's just a moment, and when it ends, there is no reason to think on it unless that thought makes you smile. You can learn from everything, but people choose to break instead of learm. I seriously don't understand it. No matter how bad things get, you most likely have clothes on your back, someone out there who knows and loves you, and you probably ate within the day. So, pull yourself together and get ready for the future you can make for yourself.
It's not that I don't care about what people go through, but the way I look at it is, everything bad that I've ever been through, I feel lucky to have been strong enough to make, I feel blessed to have been given chance after chance every single day, I feel privileged to still be here, smiling and living and breathing. So, no matter what you've been through, you have been given another chance to make a difference. I just think we should take that chance instead of wallowing in self pity.
Ramblings from Friday morning. No point to this, really, other than my friends are still asleep and I wanted to talk.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
A prisoner of the mind. I don't think I will ever be able to fully express the importance of acceptance. Of others, and self.
Being a prisoner of the mind means that you are locked up in your own thoughts. You are afraid of what others might think or say, so you keep it to yourself. You're afraid of being looked down upon or judged, so you hide your flaws and secrets.
We are taught to hide who we are to fit in, to be normal. The reality is, normal has become real messed up.
Normal now is to hide, be afraid, cower, and be the one that has it all together.
When you're a prisoner of the mind, you are a slave to yourself.
Someone once asked me why I always do things differently, they wanted to know why I can't just do things the normal way. I told them I always do what I know to be who I am and I don't question it because that would be a contradiction to the essence of who I am. If I always did the "normal" things, then I would be someone else. I don't want to be you, you don't want to be me.
I think the thing we strive for the most in life is acceptance.
It is such a simple thing to do! Accept a person for the person they are. Why do we fight it so much?
If you don't like a person, then don't be around that person (simple, right?), but STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. This is low key the dumbest thing we do.
We don't only push others to hide who they are and to be normal, but we do it the most to ourselves. We try so hard to be accepted, that we change little things about who we are to become, for lack of a better word, cool. But once we achieve this change of self, and are finally accepted, THEY AREN'T ACCEPTING YOU! They are accepting the person you decided to hide behind. And even then there are terms and conditions to that acceptance. We're all dumbassess.
If we could just free ourselves of the expectation. If we could let ourselves be who we really are. If we didn't care what anyone would say. If we were human for once...
If we can just let ourselves feel that, imagine the clarity. We would actually know each other. We might even get to understand ourselves a little better.
Don't be a slave to your mind.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Life doesn't get easier, but we get stronger. We learn and we grow together. Just look at how far you've come. The things you've achieved. You're doing a good job, and you're exactly where you are supposed to be. This is your life in this very moment. You have the power to change it, to learn from your mistakes, don't let them define you or break you. Don't shut out all the best times that have yet to come. They are coming. And one day you will look back on the times that you thought you couldn't take anymore. When you lost your dad, your family, your entire life changed, you left behind some good things, you left behind the things you thought you couldn't live without, when you decided to move on and let go, or when you decided to hold on.
***This is for my best friend, sister, and the one who taught me some of the greatest lessons about love. Thank you for standing by me.***